I am doing my taxes. Do you care ?
I find it so emotional. looking at receipts of things I bought. I remember the day, the weather. What I was wearing. The decision to buy the thing. Who I was with.
I’m so into the date things happened. Maybe it started because I have a 5-yr diary. I’m on year 5. I love it. Reading the old entries – mostly it’s like another, cute, light, me. I see my entries and feel compassion for my former self. Anxieties, sadness, terrors, and the little nothing things too – where I went, things I did, things i procrastinated, things I dealt with. A lot of it is so sweet in hindsight. It’s a relief from heavy self-assessment.
I see similarities, year to year, of things I’ve gone through or done at nearly the same day. Does that make sense ? Like I’ll see the same person, but in a different city, on the same day, two years in a row. Or I’ll buy two pairs of shoes in Stockholm on the 4th March one year, and then two pairs of shoes in Los Feliz on the 4th March two years later. Or themes revisited year to year in relationships, work, creativity.
The date that things happened. Receipts. The date on receipts. Receipts from dates. Places I went. Things I did. The money I spent. The reasons behind the purchases. I’m really getting into it. It’s hard. I hate it. But enjoying the fact that I am dealing. I’ll be so cleansed and free by the end of it. It’s like that every year.
I used to blog more. I want to tell you about Pina Bausch and the experience I had seeing the movie. I want to tell you what I loved about ‘Melancholia’. I’m not sure If I can. But I’ll try sometime.
I had a great talk over Skype today with my friend in Sydney. Then her power went out. Then we emailed back and forth. It ended with this sentence, summing up hours of talking and writing. It is making less sense to me by the minute, but was a super-charged relief to us both a few hours ago.
I’ve been wearing my hair up in the day, taking it down at night. It’s a Kundalini thing that I’m trying out for a while. The idea is that you soak in and contain the solar energy during the day, wearing your hair up so that you contain it all, and not have your emotions all over the place, and keep your ’10th gate’ protected. Then, at night you bring your hair down, to absorb the lunar energy. Why not. I’ll try it for a while.
I’m happy and amazed that I’ve got 9 songs for my record. After each song I think ‘I will never write another song. I have no ideas. I have nothing to say.’ But there keeps being another. Even though I am always convinced, there is no others. I am in the ‘there is no others’ thing right now.
I’m not listening to that voice too much. It just yammers on while I keep working.